Confession of a Lonely

I first want to preface this post by saying that this is not the original.

The original was going to be posted days ago yet I held off because a part of me was worried that I was going about this the wrong way. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t writing out of a bitter heart. I want my motives to be right and my intentions to clearly come across.

After prayer, repentance and reconsideration, I came up with this.

I am sorry if anything I say offends you. Yet I am not sorry for anything I have written. There’s only so much I can filter before I start to feel dishonest. These convictions and these feelings of mine should not have to remain hidden, and I pray that they are well-received.

Here goes.

Photo by Michiel Souren via Flickr (https://flic.kr/p/5wDQUG)

Photo by Michiel Souren via Flickr (https://flic.kr/p/5wDQUG)

CONFESSION OF A LONELY

When I sit in the dining hall on my college campus, I can’t help but notice the lonely people.

You know who they are. They walk in alone with their plates, they choose a small table for one, and then they sit down to begin their hour-long meal in silence.

Sometimes they will pull out a laptop or a book or an iPod. But even with their distraction, there’s a certain air of sadness about them. They’ll look up from their book or phone and kind of scan the room, and not because they’re looking for someone. No, they are secretly longing for the community that everyone else in the world seems to have. They are longing for a friend.

Two days ago, I sat across from this girl who spent thirty minutes scraping food around her plate and staring at people around the room. She wasn’t holding a book and there was no laptop in front of her. She didn’t even have earphones in. She was fully aware of her surroundings and yet was taking no part in it. There was no one to take part in it with.

From the looks of it, she was a lonely.

It is apparent that there is a distance between “the lonelies” and the rest.

And I call these people “the lonelies” because they aren’t loners. The word “loner” in our society has a connotation of choice. But no, these people are different from loners. They are lonelies because their lonesome status is neither chosen nor desired.

I feel like I notice these people so frequently because I am a lonely too.

It’s taken me a long time to write these words because I’ve been afraid of what people would think or say about me. And I am silently rebuking any lies that I’m believing about the worth of what I’m going to say next. I have been trying to write this post for months and it’s finally time. This does matter. I’ve had enough of this longing in silence.

I am writing this on behalf of all the lonelies:

There’s a word buzzing within certain communities of believers: “family.”

I have gone to Christian gatherings, house churches, bible studies and the like, and this word tends to be brought up a lot. “Guys, we are a FAMILY in Christ.” “We are brothers and sisters in Christ.” “We want to be a place where everyone feels like they belong and they can be open and honest– because we are a family.”

I know that that is a beautiful picture: a group of people who are not related by blood or legality yet still commit to regard the group as a family in which there is love and closeness and open communication. I do believe that this is one of the most important roles of the church. I do believe this is how God intended things to be. But I also believe that there is an element of miscommunication and misunderstanding within these families, at least as far as the lonelies are concerned.

Here’s the problem that I see: the majority of people long for family and close community, but it is often only a special group of people that actually gets to experience it. The special group of people I’m referring to are the people who are social enough, energetic enough, cool enough, extroverted enough, outstanding enough, or thought of enough to be included in the family.

Why do I believe this? Because I’ve seen lonelies begin the scary journey of finding their way into this “family” only to be overlooked or dismissed. These people are overlooked or dismissed because they don’t stand out. They aren’t regarded as cool or interesting. And no one will actually say or directly think these things about them, but many of their actions imply them.

The lonelies will be invited to events over Facebook but no one will say to them, “Hey, I wish you would come. I want to see YOU there.” The lonelies will be greeted at these events or gatherings and perhaps meet a person or two, but no one will say to them, “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? A couple of my friends are eating lunch in the Commons. Want to join?” The lonelies will be recognized around campus and someone might wave or ask how they’re doing in passing, but there’s not enough time allotted to the lonelies for them to even begin formulating a true answer.

The lonelies are often hurting. And yet no one wants to help them get out of that hurt. People just assume that because the invite is extended, the job is done.

But being part of a family of believers requires more than a general invitation.

If you want to see a lonely join your family, then you have to realize that these lonelies may be so used to their isolation that they don’t even understand what joining would even mean. They are afraid to risk vulnerability. They are afraid of going to gatherings and not knowing anyone. And they are hurt when every interaction is surface level and no one actually wants to take the time to dive into who they really are. They want intentionality and personal invites and inquiries into their lives, and they don’t understand why no one offers.

I hate saying this, but this is what I’ve seen and how I feel: there is an unspoken standard that people are required to meet to be part of these “families” of believers.

And yes, I am implying that there is favoritism within these communities. I have enjoyed every Bible study, gathering, house church, and event I have gone to, but there is a subtle method of favoritism within most. It doesn’t mean these communities are failures or mean or ungodly. It just means there’s something lacking, and that lack unfortunately is often only noticed by the lonelies. The outsiders who always remain on the outside. The newcomers who always feel new.

This is a harsh statement but I MUST say this if there is to be any introspection or change:

From a lonely standpoint and outsider perspective, these families often look like cliques.

And it would be dishonest of me to not admit that I have carried this opinion and perspective around with me for quite some time.

I have observed these families and even began to turn up my nose at them because all I can see is this clique-like element that I can’t stand.

As a lonely, I feel as though I’m on the outside of everything. And there are numerous reasons for this: I started working more and realized I needed to rest and retreat for some time. My best friend moved away and the other few friends I had became really busy. I live at home with my parents and commute to school. I’m an introvert and have a hard time engaging in activities or feeling included.

I wasn’t always a lonely. I was once very much a part of these communities and I did feel included. But because of the before-mentioned circumstances, I had to take a step back. A part of me thought that even though I was swamped by other priorities, I would still be thought of.

Yet when I stopped going to these things, I realized that no one seemed to miss me. I don’t get invited to hang out. I don’t get the opportunities to sit down with people and explain my struggles, wounds, and hopes. I’m overlooked. Or if I take the initiative to try to make plans with people, I get vague answers and nothing happens. “Yeah, girl! Let’s get coffee sometime!” I’m still waiting on many coffee dates.

And I know that this might not make sense to everyone because there are events all over Facebook and there are nice greeters at every gathering and from the inside everyone seems really accepting and nice.

“Jessie, if you want to be part of the group, then you just need to jump in. We’re a family. We do want you!”

No.

This is the most important thing you could possibly learn about the lonely mentality: We don’t just want an invitation. We don’t know what to do with an invitation. We need PERSONAL and INTENTIONAL interactions.

And if this doesn’t start happening, then more and more lonelies will become loners. They will CHOOSE to be alone.

Instead of longing and striving for that social interaction and close-knit community, lonelies begin to like being alone and withdrawn. They’d rather be by themselves than feel like people are forced to be in their presence.

I’m confessing right now that that’s where I’m at. I’ve become a loner. I know that I tend to be standoffish and aloof. I’m ultra quiet and pensive besides the few witty or sarcastic remarks thrown here and there. I may even come across as intimidating. But people assume I choose to “do my own thing” because I’m just independent and well-off when in reality, I’ve been FORCED to be alone and now don’t know how to be otherwise.

But the loner Jessie is not the real me.

The real me loves the idea of being a part of something more. I want a family of believers where I can feel welcomed and appreciated and loved. I want to have that core group of girls who actually care about my life and would enjoy having lame sleepovers with me. I want it all, the whole college experience. Yet the college experience is not lived by everyone.

There are lonelies all around you and they come to your “families” expecting more only to end up leaving disappointed. Community is not meant to be a once-a-week thing. And if you make it that, then you’re going to keep unintentionally excluding until all of the lonelies stop trying.

Just like I’ve stopped trying.

And please believe me when I say that I’m not just trying to play the victim card. As a former “family member”, I was guilty of the same exact thing. I am sorry that I so often overlooked lonelies and never thought twice about their desires or needs. I had so many opportunities to personally invite and truly INCLUDE these amazing people, but because they didn’t meet my standard of “cool” or it required too much effort to be intentional, I chose to stay comfortable with the friends I already had.

For those of you who have been hurt by my distance or lack of effort: I am sorry. I am working on being intentional and I know I’m far from perfect. But I love you and I don’t think you or I ought to be lonelies anymore.

I know I can’t fix the entire system, but perhaps writing this is a start.

Before I bring this post to a close, I would also like to say that I love everyone who is reading this, whoever you are, regardless of whether you feel as though this was intended for you. I am never going to name-call, point fingers, or judge you. I have no right. I am just as guilty of everything I have spoken against in this post. This post is not intended to condemn, but rather to offer a new perspective.

I DO believe that believers can form a beautiful family rooted and established in Christ, and I do believe that many groups and communities have already done an amazing job at doing just that.

At the same time, I know there is still much room to grow for many. My hope is that we ALL become more inviting, inclusive, and intentional.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)

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14 comments

  1. www.bluebirdsalwaysfly.wordpress.com

    Wow! just thinking about loneliness this morning! truly! I was lonely and now I am not, and I need to figure out what happened that changed that because my eyes see the lonelies out there – even have a chidren’s book in the making that is all about belonging! Hmmmmm. Nice post – you write fluidly and with great genuineness.

  2. Heather Hall

    I agree with many of the points that you bring up. I also find that it is not just enough to notice the lonely part in ourselves, but that in others as well. Just as you are lonely, so are many others! Be the change that you wish to see- go up to that lonely girl pushing her food about and say hi. Intentionally invite all those people you miss seeing to an event you are hosting. In short, take your own advice :)

    • jessienyland

      You are so right and I admit I am hesitant these days just like I know many others are. Working on it! Intentionality is SO important! Thank you for the encouragement and reminder (:

  3. Emily

    I really appreciate your words and know that everyone feels like a lonely at some point in their life. I think we all need to take the time to invest in new relationships even though it is hard and time consuming. But the body of Christ was not meant to be segregated by age, I think some of the struggle behind the issue of loneliness has to do with a lack of age diversity. The elders would have a chance to teach the younger by example how to reach out in an intentional way.
    Thank you for your Confession!

    • jessienyland

      You have such a good point here! I do agree there needs to be more intentional mentorship. It appears as though a lot of people my age have to go out and seek someone older (which can be hard to do because of how much older people have to juggle work-wise and family-wise) when I wish it was the other way around– I wish people willing to mentor would go out and seek us! But I understand it goes both ways and requires commitment and effort on both parts. Just as it does to be part of the body of Christ in any context.

    • jessienyland

      I think we all do! The fact we recognize it is already a cause worth celebrating, and every time we put ourselves out there or obey God through loving our neighbors with intentionality, we are doing something good for the Kingdom. Opportunities are everywhere; we just need eyes to see them! (:

  4. Kellie

    This is very well written and easy to relate too. Thank you for writing this and putting these thoughts out there.

    • jessienyland

      Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment! I am so glad this is relatable and it’s relieving to know I’m not the only one who has had these feelings and thoughts and concerns. Lonelies are NOT alone, contrary to popular belief!

  5. skdunlap

    Reblogged this on Two steps forward and no going back and commented:
    Seriously so good and so true. Being someone who knows what this world feels like way too much; I believe every Christ follower should look into their hearts and truly see if this is something they are guilty of. We need to be genuine, loving people. God has called us to love everyone and that includes people in your own church that may not be someone you would normally interact with. So raw and truthful!

  6. Debbie

    Hi Jessie, I ran across your blogs last July and I wanted to let you know how much you have ministered to me! I’m well into my 50’s and married, but your postings have touched me so much! I can relate to this posting on being a “lonely”! Thank you for writing it!! I hope you never stop writing this blog, you are such a blessing!
    God Bless You Jessie! Debbie

    • jessienyland

      Thank you SO much! It’s amazing how God can use a college student’s blog to speak to women in different walks of life, and thank you so much for pointing that out to me. It is a confidence booster, I’ll tell you that! Your encouragement means a lot.

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