I Don’t Know Why I’m Here

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Photo by Laura on Flickr (https://flic.kr/p/aSqBok)

I’ve been in Clarkston (see previous post for details) for almost a month now, and it’s been hard. 

Not so hard that I want to leave or I’m not enjoying my stay. It’s just the kind of hard where you know you could curl up on a bed and sleep for days if somebody would let you.

I miss my family. I miss having Tuesday night dinners with my grandparents. I miss watching Glee with my mom. I miss being able to talk to my boyfriend every day. I miss phone dates, television marathons, and ice cream outings with friends. I miss sleeping next to my dog every night. I miss my church and the middle schoolers I work with.

But I know I’m supposed to be here.

Why?

Well, I haven’t figured that part out yet.

And I have to keep telling myself that it’s okay to not know.

I’ve been beating myself up for being so clueless. Sometimes I have a lot to do; sometimes I’m free all day and just wander around aimlessly. Setting out lunches, making copies, and running errands are my specialty, but there are days when it feels like that’s not enough.

I keep trying and trying to not waste time, but sometimes that’s how time feels: wasted.

Like I could be doing something more, but I’m not sure what.

Here’s what I’m starting to think: God, in His sovereignty and by His grace, uses His people… even when they don’t feel like they’re being used.

I think about the people in my life who have impacted me, encouraged me, and challenged me in ordinary, non-exciting times. Many revelations have been had over coffee at Starbucks. Warm feelings have been exchanged over brief smiles.

An impactful, godly life sometimes looks a lot like an ordinary life.

Could it be that God is found in my own ordinary moments? That the things I am finding mundane are godly and important?

I pray that this is true.

Maybe as I set out lunch each day I am showing these interns I care. Maybe my offers to pray for the girls I live with will be received with more gratitude than I could ever know. Maybe the way I do the little things shows that I can be trusted with the bigger things.

The truth is, anyone could do a lot of the tasks I take care of. But for this summer, these tasks have been entrusted to me.

And no matter how ordinary or seemingly unimportant they are, I want to treat these things like they’re special.

I don’t HAVE to spend my summer serving here in Clarkston. I didn’t HAVE to commit to this and leave my family, friends, and home.

But I GET to.

What a privilege to be a part of something bigger than myself. I might just feel like a useless pinky right now in the grand scheme of the body working together, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be times I can be a helping hand, listening ear, and loving heart.

I hold on to the belief that God uses His people for His glory— in the highs, lows, and in-betweens of life.

When I’m wondering why I’m here, I’ll tell myself this.

I still don’t have answers, but I have faith.

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